The Get Missed Toy

The Abyss and Me

I close my eyes to the stillness of the universe

and my mind changes

hurling the me i know into the abyss

as the future unwinds

i am tirelessly alert

founding my own temper on the abstract before me

i grasp the lining of the puzzle

and pull with my senses into some parallel

a turning fork splits my ambitions

and i am distracted into a swirl

of circular thought

and axiom

the gun fires within and rips through my neurons

like a wave of cheer and discontinuity wrapped in absurdity

i purge my thought and let it go

wondering aloud what is going on

as the me from before

drifts up from the abyss

and possesses me





After the Blood

The hungry devils were after my brains
And Oh how I feared them
Without caution did I rip the skin of my own arm and taint there her blood.
For that there was no reason did bathtubs and razors float in my brain.
The greedy bastards had suppressed all I stood for and I screamed to let out the horrid nightmares of my fellows who's minds I stole as if I did not have one of my own.
It was with the ravishing strength of a comet that I burst forth my light into the face of that which ignited me.
That which painfully stabbed into me; gouged out my entrails to be eaten by greedy mice with sharp fangs and rabid death stench.
Over bodies I climbed and over bodies I will yet climb.  For only bodies it is!  The blood gushes out of our torn arms and jumps the ship of life diving into seas of full on extremities

Moody Dreams

Everyday I find the roof too low
The air too damp and musty
The lighting too dark
And am driven out of my basement dwelling
Into the senseless maze 
We call world
Each stranger remains strange
And every detail brought forth
Makes them stranger
I get my groceries and go home
Where I can sit at my computer
And write poems.


When I dream I dream
Of interacting with people emotionally
I concoct the most moody scenes
And wake up afraid of my mind
The hours feel wasted
A job lies on the table for a week
And I am mostly out of breath
Couched in smoke
Trying to catch up what I lack
With caffeine and solitude
But yet again
I find myself in another mood.

Herd

Sarah's dune worm arms
Mathews moles
Dead battery
Waters boiling
Fishing license
Victoria
Mom
And my birthday

Letting Go Of It All

Eyes closed I dream nothing and curse blindly at no one
Inside I boil with acid and hatred and psychosis
I just want more freedom, more freedom than I can handle
But I am tied in with the "art thing" of my life
And am but a monkey curious of letting go of it all
Hanging from a tail over some project only a monkey could love
I unleashed some tiger in my days
Intensity flashed in my eyes and grasped with thought
Wrote madly
Now am I something left burning after that fire?
Or has the fire long gone out
Stamped madly by a monkey who could not take that there were tigers
Or a human that could not bear to merely be human.

Sea Suicide

Looking forward to time beyond the math
I dot the calender with pencil
And dry up in the corner
Peace is all about needs
I leave my heart open as though life is surgery
Finding myself on a lonely rock out at sea
Watch my blood float away
As I give over to nothingness

Experimental Sickness

The floor opens
The ceiling lowers
Someone coughs
In it I could see an actor
A comedian or something
Does he tell lectures?
I can't see him anymore
Has he disappeared?
The doors all shut at once
Some wind 
Knocks over a paper cup
And I barf

A Long Walk Home

I get lost in the city
But don't mind
It's just a long walk home
When you wind
In and out 
Bearings shot
Going from unfamiliar structure
To unfamiliar structure
Suddenly the right way feels good
But turns into the wrong way
And I guess again
Back to thought
Daydream my way home
Mind gone
Thinking of something else
Besides where I'm going
Roam and roam
On a long walk home

The Man Before

One of a kind
Mastered and blind
The shutters shut
On his pulsating mind
He stepped out
To reveal his invention
Falling down the stairs
Was not his intention
He worked it out
At his bedside
The nurses took his pressure
And left him lie
A marvelous mansion
He built inside
The dream released
And the genius died.

Over The Wire

Before them denied
Turned away then come right back
A weird tale of the mundane
As if life were the long walk home
On those dreary days you wished it were somewhere else
Why do I always question
Staring
"Who am I?" at the sky
Like there was someone to answer
Thinking
Like someone were there to answer to
I never came up with what to say
Exactly
Just mulled over it
Got the general picture of how it would go
And then let go
Continueing with something else.

Torn

A hellish reply
Her heart torn from her without mercy
Fallen in grief
The rider uncompromising
And in a fit of laughter rides away
The dead ends in life
Precursing its actual event
And all through the story
The truth dances like a firefly.

Haunting Dawns

Haunting dawns
And dim prayers
The anger builds like in no other age
ours is the tightest bullshit
it rises above the past like a blistering hero
all scraps remain
each technological advance
thrown upon the stage for the dogs
and the dogs, the public
rip it apart as if it is their first meat
but we love and know it
we hate and know that too
manic sisters and brothers
massed together
as an encore
as a civilization beyond civilization

Added Storms

There could be peace
Serenity and benevolence
In all our relationships
But we add storms
A storm of jealousy
A storm of hate
We curse our lives
Curse our fate
With added storms
To all we connect
A ship in port
Shipwrecked

Yeah I Think So

I find the how in the when
And the who in the what
Don't know anything – but
That I'm a breathing moving organic machine
That dreams
A ten words a second repeating talk
A long thoughtful walk
I am somewhere
Yet nowhere
A hollow tune
But lasting throughout the age
Resonating
Page after page.
The universe on fire
The biggest liar
The runner tired
To the last line
A subtle whine
Repeating myself
In angered health.

I'm Not Dead Yet

I am not dead yet
They have not shot me
In the head yet
The germs did not sicken me
Right to the grave
I am not saved
Layed
On a coffin
Set in a grave
Or preached to
In a corpse
Never to be reached - you


Need to believe me
Death is not as amazing
As they make it out to be
Something for sure
To be contemplated
But overrated
Debated
Overstated
and faded
Into the mystery
When all it be
Is when I not be


I am not dead yet
And when I am
I can
Do nothing
Be eaten by worms
And bugs by turn
Till skeleton
All I bring
Is what has been
Exist as memory
In others
My mother
And father
Sister and brothers

The Hole in the Ground

I guess one day
I will be put down
without a sound
Into a hole in the ground

They'll say "Just a Joker
His days are over
He was the greatest
Even though he was atheist"


In a coffin I'll lay
As they put me away
Some of them will play
A song of my day
And others will pray

Resentment Blooming

A resentment
Utterly deficient of reason
Cold cold
Resentment
At what? you ask
Exactly
At what.
Nevertheless there
All else pushed out
So that anger could exist
Clean
From other flavours
And dinners
With other peoples


Then hysterically laughing
Into the mirror
Shreds of vanity
Peeled back with heart-felt full and honest laughter
But someone is watching
Someone is always watching
And as the ambulance door slams
And we drive away
I am concerned with myself
Alone
And many days later
I am still chuckling
And something in me is over
Never to rise again.

Moment

Each new step is newer than the last
Each new second already moving past
I breathe the moment anew
And capsize time
Living only for the moment


Shoes left out
A tired pile of books
Music played out
Greened out
The sun blocked by the earth
Lonely nights
The moment grows weary
And I peer with sad eyes
Into the past


Dawn
A morning coffee
Birds beaking off
Trees rustling
This moment has become so goldon
I look out of it into a future
As though through a telescope
And everything is bigger
Everyone more important
But this crisp moment dies
With tears in my eyes
For another to arise.

You Told Me Later

The big smile
I could see it coming
Just before you shook your head
And said "No"
I fiddled with the drivers seat
Somewhere a lawnmower
Grew loud and soft
You told me later
That you wanted to run away from me
Pregnant with my child
And if I woulda known
The day wouldn't have been
So lovely.

Unstoppable Anxiety

I go to the cupboards and slam them shut
Looking for nothing
Rummage around in a box
Shuffle over to the fridge
Get nothing
Slam it shut
I need a cigerette
I need a shot of something
I need an ativan
I slop on my shoes
And thump down the steps
Open the door fiercely
And glare at people
As I walk by
Smoking a cigerette.
Down by the bridge
I find a place to smoke a bowl
And calm the fuck down
Eyebrows creased
Teeth clenched
Oh how I hate life sometimes

Dream Error

Bringing it forward
Pushing it back
The feeling wavers
And attacks
A spell of naseau
Then pure schizophrenia
Chasing the infinite maze of dreams


I awake still half in it
Then trying to recall
And recounting the experience
Are my dreams mad?


Later in the day
Still tired, frail
It comes to me sadly
As though my brain
Was so full of error
That it could not percieve
Any error

Thoughts on a Dying Order

Pasting through the day
A relentless recorder
Reorderer
Each thought
A shingle
Flying off the roof
In a windstorm of unbeleivable material
Eyes wide
I will not confront this moment again
Each bit of time
Falls on me like water in a rain shower
Splitting into another droplet
Another stretch of dying time
For me to waste
I will not confuse this
With some gift
I will not complicate this
With some origional guess
This is all there is
For me
Or for anyone

Action

Juggling between life and death
The moment shatters a million times
Danger presents itself
And I recoil
Stuttering
Each good thing about life
Each bad thing about death
Place them in a hole in the earth
And bury them
Place a tombstone above them
And return to work
Mechanically separating things
With no thoughts of life
No thoughts of death
Just pure – action.

True

I thought I was true
Took time to think it through
I felt touched
In my heart I was blue
Rose my head to the sky
Told them how I was
How it was
Explained everything
To no one
I adopted some answers
They rattled around in my brain
And I walked away from them
Fell asleep afraid
Cold feet hanging out the end of my bed

A Day Further

I was an example of a human
Not much different in DNA from a chimp
I kept to myself in an apartment
Listening to podcasts
And more podcasts
And more podcasts
Time to die, I say
As I drink my codeine
And sleep
You'll wake tomorrow, says the dream
You'll wake up and smile, says the dream
You'll wake up and die
I rub my eyes
And think coldly of death
My death
I brush my teeth
And put on my boots and jacket
Walking walking
Trying to stop my mind.

Examining The World

Better off
But how do you know?
The idea seeded in me
I sit tight
And examine the promise
From without
Comes the noise of the world
I am shifting
Complaining
Explaining
Nothing seems right with me
I ought to find the evidence
But somehow find the truth
With mere logic
Like a vacuum
That keeps sucking in the world.

Void of Death

Over and against
I strum my moods and vent
Their wretched happiness
More pretentious than my hate
Their wretched pride
More vacuous than my non-belief
Their ignorance
Morally worse than my mere assertion
That we die.


Out of pools of blood
And genes
We rose to kill and produce
Magnificant structures of our murder
We put our children in the post holes
Of our monument
And cried not a tear for death
Endless death
Death without end.


Crushed by motives
Cigerette burning in my mouth
I chase the dream to the end
And die again and again
I am relentless
Anxious
Paranoid
The day dies
And with it
The void.

Death of Deaths

There is no death
There is death
It comes and goes
I go outside and smell
Some death
Somewhere something dead
I pass death
Like a silent ship
Remind myself
That I must die
Some death
Somewhere
I might look for death
Amused
That I die
And play with suicide
In my decaying mind
My ageing dying body
Somewhere there is a death for me
A right death
Shining black meaningless nothing
Glittering a pessimism
A nihilism
A cold inanimate object
Placed above the ground
Where I sleep forever
In the death of deaths.

Flown

Spun
Brain come undone
Unwinding
The siding
That sprung up
From hiding
To reveal
The concealed
Apple peal
Of real

Thrown
Mindfully stoned
Pathways to doom
Assumed
Under lighting of gloom
To be consumed
By ruins
Incongruent
And broomed
To the side of the room

Born
Amoungst the torn
And pathways burned
Learned than turned
Recurred
And stirred
Into rebirth
Flown
Straight into the moon
And gradually set down
To forever in a tomb

Walking Eternal

The new moon
It hangs like a single tooth
In a sky peppered with stars
I walk along the sea
And change inside
Again and again
The nonsense about who I am
Gets washed away
In the lapping waves
And my treading feet
It kills me
That I have to die
Here
Of all places
With my heart and imagination
Stoked with so much fire
That I could live an eternity
Instead of dieing

Sometime I Will Die

I'm almost too afraid of death to die
If there was some way to choose out of it
Everynight I panic inside a coffin underground
And awake kicking and screaming


But I do not feel stupid
This anxiety fulfills my spirit
My intelligence goes mad
I can't stop thinking about it
About the last dieing moments
About the uncertain "when"


Do not come at me with these trivialities
About a god who sacrifices himself to himself to create a loophole
For rules he created
Do not tell me what to eat
Do not tell me when to sleep
Do not tell me how to feel
Don't judge me

Made For

Bored abstracted
There is change in every moment
The more I feel
The less I can think
Perception wanders
It takes time away from me
The building fire
And flux of energy
All to the pounding of my heart
A consciousness
Inside a brain
Made for apes.

No Hope

There is no hope
No hope
I rest my easy case
On the easy sofa of life
Go ahead
Slip into death
You will not be scolded or punished
For such a venture
Only in this life
Can you do wrong
And be judged
Only in this life
Can you suffer
Or be happy.

Another Crappy Poem

Almost gathered
I tell myself to be myself
But I stay inside my room
The floor is littered with kleenex
And books are everywhere
No windows
I sweat from the forehead
And pace about
Doing nothing in particular
This day is like all the rest
Depressed
The heat unbearable
Sweat pooling beneath my chair
As I type away
Another crappy poem.

Too Hot Too Hot

The sun has this power
To heat up my cube
And I sweat and shower
And eat my food
I wait for the rain
And all of the cold
To compensate the change
In my overheated soul
I find it too hot
And feel frustrated inside
My confidence is shot
And so is my pride
So I lie on the floor
And sweat a pool
Dreaming of a shore
Where the breeze is cool.

Burning World

Middle of day
The sun hangs
Bleeding sunlight
I clench my teeth
And scratch my hand
It is too hot for me
I feel my brain boil
Thoughts shrivelled
Like prunes
Goals dissolved
Pathways crumbled
Every friend
A million miles away
The heat continues
Without break
As I try to find shade
In the burning world.

Red Meat

Found dead on my floor
Organs boiled
Eyes popped out
Flesh red with heat
I rise
Only to feel dizzy
Get dressed
And escape my hot cell
Outside the sun blazes
And I cook in its heat
Each patch of shade
I am so thankful for
Walking
I can't think
I am dead
I am baked
I am through with summer
My skin wet
With a layer of sweat
I climb the stairs
And enter the building
Where the A/C cools me down
And stops me from cursing.

Luck and Life

Lost time
Dwindling away
Until my death
The coffin slams shut
And I jump
Is it my time?
Again and again
I count the moment lucky
But how lucky can I be?
Jumping through the hoop of life
Risking life
Reading the warning
On the cereal box of life
Breathing
Life
I sing a dismal song
And retire to sleep
Where dreams toy with me
Until I awake frustrated
What is life?

My Darkest Moment

I would like to die safely
Pumped full of morphine asleep
And shot in the head
By a friend


I would like to die completely
Not braindead
Drooling vegtable
With no consciousness
For months


I would like to die proud
Not now
When I can't pull myself together
And understand my life
But when I'm old and wise
And done with life.

Melancholy Forever

Things said
A voice of reason
The bare truth
Unfettered by dreams
To strike a boring ugly pose
On a tired worn face
And repeat
Repeat for infinity
Eternal depression
And pessimism
The glass knocked over
The brain pulsing
To the sound
Of a detatched music
A worldly flavor
And dance
To make the insides sick
With remorse
And the skin crawl
With longing.

For Me To Know

Empty
I stood on the end of time
And choked on my words
Now blanketed and layered
Away from the problem
Sipping on the lighter consciousness
I cannot know it


Edged
Pushed out
I felt a tinge of guilt
And memory once again exploded
I gasp
Sigh
Pull myself together and find a distraction
But it's there
Ready
For me to know

Death Blooms

Death blooms
Corpses outnumber us
I sleep in a skeleton bed
And eat out of a skull
I walk on blood soaked earth
Where pieces of hair
Roll like tumbleweeds
And noses and ears
Hang like trinkets
We are carnage
And bloodshed
And even when we aren't
We still drop like flies
Burn ourselves in ovens
Or bury ourselves underground

My Own Path

At the end of the road
I found my own start
I would blaze a new path
From the impasse
I saw no one
It truely was my own path
And only my footsteps
Only my sounds and song
Only my memory
And fear of agency
My longing for company and-
Discussions
I grew so lonely
That I began to speak
To phantoms of people
To my favourites
I said everything I had to say
Calmly, appropriately, and kindly
Until there was no more
And I quietly continued
With a silent brain
Focused only on the path
And the trees around me.

Apparent World

Apparent world
Why do you never seem to be an illusion?
The blind spot of my brain
Must be a giant hole
Yet you fill the hole with perception
And it is as if I see and know everything
When I am ignorant
Fallacy runs amuck in my mind
Ideas rise out of the cesspool of memory
Ego flashes inspires creates
Loves itself
And then dies out
Leaving the same lacking
The same void
The same feeling that a task is uncompleted.

Life No Matter

Whatever.
Death.....
I sip my iced tea
Inside
Reading Plato on a sunny day
Staring mildly
With settled mind
Upon the matters of existence
I unwind
Unravel and bind
Thoughts and feelings
Shattered and blind
Purging all the information
From my radiating mind
Then blank staring at the cieling fan
Wondering
A stream of questions
With no answer
I jump
Ascend for a moment
And gravity pulls me right back down
Slumped and sullen
Typing away
With rolled shoulders
And sunken eyes.

The Edge is so Near

The edge is so near
I won't know when I'm over it
Borders, laws, and ethics
All keep me tied down to reality
I'm a singer
A shoe shiner
A kind of twinkling star
I will never know how far I could have gone
The edge is so near
I can almost taste its drop
One day I will push past the reality
And fall into the oblivion
Forever unknown
This patch of life is too short
The edge is so near

Over With

Wired and unhappy
Too much coffee
And TV thats crappy
I sit on my hands and sigh
Wondering if
It's better to just die
Waiting for money
And not working much
The sun too sunny
And my cheque not enough
I wander the streets smoking
Caving in to memory
Heart broken
A girl I wish I was with
A passion
That wants it all over with.

All Trespassers Will Be Shot

On the range I saw a man he had gun between his hands
Across the land I began and down the sand I ran
To a cliff that made a dip of broken chips and a lift
I clipped my fist and my wrist twisted and shifted
In the hot I was got he shot me and I dropped
I hopped and was caught arrested and locked













Fleeing

It set on me
Your blame is afloat
Atonal beats
To haphazard notes
You tune in on me
And your ego bloats
The heart sinks
And the anger floats
I'm anxious now
My time slowly rots
Fleeing crowds
From a gunmans shots
I'm tone dead now
My brain is confused
Furrowed brow
The gods are amused

Earths Orbituary

So it exploded
And the lakes and oceans
Filled with corpses
The buildings one by one toppled
The stench of rot
So great that nothing could live on
The sun dried the blood
The cold froze the mess
Only to melt it again
The earth a great and unfortunate
Stink
The clouds gathered
And all on earth it rained
Washing the bodies to nothing
And creating a giant ocean
Of death

Painting Thunder

I'm packed in
Gross
Defiant
With a pencil and stencil
Ready to crop my face
On facebook
With a plastic eraser
Erasing the tracing
Painting the faint lines
With grey and lime
Trying to try
I try to much anyway
Put it aside
Put the pen away
Escape outside
Where the sky is white and grey
And the sun a painter herself
Splashing her light
Everywhere
Casting shade
For me to sit and stare
Wonder and care
As humans do
As humans have done
For millinium.