Man
on a Stick
They
forced their religion into me
Shoved
it in my mouth and nose
So
I couldn't say no
And
slapped me on the back leaving
So
they wouldn't hear me scream
Back
at them
That
they were followers of nothing
And
had no morality
No
kindness
No
artistic taste
So
they could go on believing
And
worshipping
A
man on a stick
And
keep whatever they had received from their crimes.
Enlightenment
Enlightenment
Something
switches on
The
humanist in the human
Who
no longer believes terror necessary
But
human rights
Their
love not of gods
But
mankinds
Skeptic
amongst skeptic
Tearing
down the cover
Of
superstition
Of
witchcraft
Of
ignorance
Shining
the light on the awful wounds
And
demanding each infection
Take
its medication.
My
Death
Huddled
cold the dark night embraces
The
days brutal hot slowly erases
Left
a stem with no flower
Slumped
over with no power
I
stuff my face with disgrace
And
go to bed before the hour
Pain
I take what I can
And
medicate the rest
A
bullet is my dream
Shot
straight at the center
All
throws thrown
My
chance blown
Dedicated
and wrong
My
death is my own
Watery
There
is no hope
There
is no love
Only
a chair and a remote control
But
no self control
I
change the stations until I change myself
Fidgeting
in discomfort
Trying
to escape into the TV
Wired
to the thin story line
And
watery characters
I
become a thin story line myself
And
a watery character
One
Day
I
add my resentment to my "to do" list
And
make sure I wear my bad shoes
Put
water in my cereal and spoon
The
disgusting mess into my mouth
I
put on the jacket that is too small
And
make my way to a job I hate
The
elevator stinks like monkeys
And
some man pesters me in French
But
with enough English for me to understand
That
he wants some of my money
I make my way to my cluttered desk
And
pull the most challenging file from the mess
Plunging
into work like a mole
My
feet hurt and my arm is getting stiff
I
take a break for lunch with Al
I
hate Al, he can go to hell
The
unfaithful son of a bitch
And
some of us don't even have wives
I
chew my food and listen
Reaching
in my brown bag for more
But
that's all I brought
I
take the worst route home
Through
the construction zone
Someone
tells me to "get the fuck out"
I
go the wrong way and end up at a ravine
There
is the sound of some woman shouting
At
a boyfriend who is walking away
I
stop in at the convenience store
And
seriously consider stealing cigarettes
But
I don't know if the owner is watching me
And
I don't smoke
In
my bedroom I take out my revolver
And
put it to my head several times
I
hear a distinct ringing
And
put the gun away under the bed
I
drink straight out of the tap
And
eat the last of the cereal like chips
While
watching my one channel on TV
Before
bed I count the change on my dresser
I
lye down on the bare mattress
Reminding
myself mentally to do laundry
If
mom calls, I won't answer
I
fall into a dream and the very same life
Comes
at me distorted.
Drug
Suicide
I
light the fire and inhale the smoke
Cough
a bit and almost choke
Fire
ascending the doobies ending
Time
to do my special coke
Again
and again now some heroin
Inject
that shit its sure to please her
Without
warning here comes my seizure
Flopping
like a fish the needle stings like a bee
With
shaking hands I unwrap the foil and take the LSD
Frosty
elephants come out of my breath
As
I kneel down bleeding to take another hit of meth
I
wipe my burnt finger on my pants
All
the colors and patterns begin to dance
I'm
breathing heavy I want to run
Doing
so much drugs is so much fun
A
bit more crack and it's time for bed
Instead
I just collapse and am found dead.
The
End of Size
The
end of size
Mushrooming
cucumber
Bent
to break
Penetrating
the loaf
To
put one in the oven
A
sideways glance
"You
asshole" over the intercom
A
bit of sauce squirts on the floor
And
a baby squeals
Looking
straight at me.
The
Duel
Arriving
nowhere
Nobody
steps out
Heart
aimed at nothing
He
has come for no one
Opposing
him is anything
Anyone
draws a gun
Shooting
anywhere
At
anything
Everyone
comes to the rescue
Saving
everybody
For
every day forward
From
everything
Thoughts
for Nothing
I
really started something evil
In
pretending there was agency
Running
from life to wicked pleasures
Of
art and drugs and masturbation
All
to please a certain whore I named God
To
dance in her light with all the freedom
Of
an adolescent tripping on E at a rave
And
believe whatever hallucination provided me with
And
hear whatever voice arose from my intoxication
All
for nothing I suppose
I
renounced the whore God and kept living without pleasure
Disinterestedly
reading Nietzsche in a profound depression
Out
of love out of creativity out of time
I
suppose the pen was my only friend
And
when a story couldn't lift my spirits
A
drawing could
I
couldn't face a social life
The
anxiety of being fried in judgement
With
questions
The
nervousness and awkwardness
Of
who I thought I was
And
the terribleness of it.
Like
Them
Ultimately
the shoe fit
I
wore it out of spite
Of
my ugliness
Spat
in the center of the sidewalk
And
kept thinking
Along
these lines
Walking
to an ocean
That
never comes to see me
Strongly
believing
Issues
no one cares about
Feelings
arise like foam
Tainting
all my thoughts with ignorance
So
that I am just like those I hated
For
believing without thinking.
Wretched
Enjoyment
Moon
beam highrise
Dry
crispy and bright
Each
seed reaches its destination
And
blooms into an ocean
A
smashed coke bottle
And
dried blood
Each
contestant
Dragged
Kicking
and screaming
From
their home
To
enjoy this fucking happiness
Made
for them
Who
would rather be inside
In
a game
Or
a show
With
drapes drawn
As
a true cave dweller.
Clouded
Company
Souling
the depths for change
Moralizing
the story
Telling
yourself it is the way it ought to be
I've
met your type before
Suspending
belief
To
pull the next tarot card from the deck
Even
finding coincidences
In
toilet matters
How
could any of that be true?
Yes,
you agree, how could it?
Then
you go on talking
As
if a medium was a magical person
And
even into Jesus you believe that too
How
could you not?
If
another persons conviction is good enough
Never
in a million years would you ever see something wrong here.
If
there are no lies, there is no truth.
Out of Mind Experience
Sorted
confused
The
path unending
But
for me
A
blip in the system
The
grand universe against
The
mind behind my two eyes
The
mind behind the mind
And
the mind behind the mind behind the mind
The
metamind
And
outside that
To
float in a sort of communal objectiveness
Like
the little bird that sees everything
An
out-of-mind experience
A
relationship with symmetry, pattern, repetition
And
a headlong dive into death
Perception
fizzles
A
Dream
Dipping
into consciousness
Pansy
rose supplex
Passes
my face
And
glances my skin
I
roll over not quite awake
I'm
about to race
And
no passive lucidity
Can
stop me
I
touch the ground with my hand and feel the dirt
Like
that guy in The Gladiator
Smell
my opponents and sneer
"Eat
my dust"
The
gun fires
And
I shoot out full speed
Ahead
of the pack
I
am full pumped with adrenalin
Packed
with the happiness of winning
And
a giant generic super bowl crowd cheers me on
To
the finish line
Where
I explode with endorphins
Looking
upon the losers sore faces
And
the excited crowd of friends
All
perfect and supportive
This
was what was wanted of me
I
won
And
forever this moment exists as mine
"How
stupid" I mutter upon waking
The
sunlight of high noon blades across my bed
I
feel terribly low
That
dream
I
go to the fridge and get a glass of water
Is
that what I wish for? To win a race?
I
find the toilet and piss
I
feel hungover from the dream
And
it pesters me
Like
some ghost of myself
Pretending
to be me.
Legends
Find
the facination
Stir
deep in the pot with your hand
And
bring up the limbs of your ancestors
From
the soup that is history
It
is in there for you
In
Dostoyevsky
In
Melville
In
countless others whos souls are sheets of writing
Legends
We
must stand on these giants
And
cast our net ever deeper into the sea
Ripping
and dragging truth to the shore
So
our eyes too can beam with necessity
To
affirm it
As
they have done.
Why
Do I Have to Die
I
know
With
a materialistic view
There
is no fairy tale
To
ressurect me
But
why do I have to die?
Gloomy
bean bag head
Why
is it me dead
In
my nightmares and daydreams
I
die
But
why?
In
order for evolution
In
order for children
In
order for-
But
me?
Stop
existing? But why?
Why
do I have to die?
Eternal
life
Is
an eternal lie
I
am body entirely
When
I have to die
There
will be nothing left
To
call mine
But
why do I have to die?
Lost
Destiny
Shattered
infinity
Time
pieces itself together
And
finds man
Destroyer
and builder
I
sit alone in my dingy
Preaching
nothings of my heart
To
the sweetness of the empty ocean
My
heart sinks lonely
I
want to get out while I can
But
the current takes me away from shore
And
the waving friends on the beach
Grow
further and further away
Until
they are just a mirage
All
Lies Twisted
fidget
wild
the
sun never forgets
all
lies twisted
a
sullen smile for the toast
to
better days
i
am overawake
taking
each step lightly
not
wanting to jar my brain
the
leaves at my feet
and
the trees who spat them
thoughts
so disordered
it
is as though i mixed them
mashed
them
with
brain working overtime
to
find reason in this mess
to
find beauty again
caught
up in the deadly game
of
thinking out loud
Embodiment of Being
My
self has lessened.
Once
grew here the opened sore of the world
Now
grows the opened sore of the individual
His
needs over the worlds
Nothing
grandeur twinkles
Or
shines through a thought.
Morality
suspended
Or
at any rate, unconscious
Firm
wanderings with no adventure
Straight
to the store
Straight
to the item
Accustomed
to no eye contact
Thoughts
down or up
Never
level
I
eat an odd meal
And
write a few texts
Yawn
over a lazy afternoon
Of
negative symptoms
Looking
backwards and forwards
And
now
I
grow seasick
And
wish for involvement in some game
Or
engrossment in some book
But
I don't want to escape the moment
To
leave aside the here and now
So
it sits with me
And
I reside in it
I
am conscious of time
Because
I check it
Conscious
of my feeling
And
the embodiment of being.
Machine
World
The
world
It
winds tighter and tighter
In
my head
And
I feel the pressure of all sides
Until
I cannot imangine
Anything
at all really exists
It's
all just a fabrication
Of
pluses and minuses
Inanimate
human brains pulsing
Like
machines
Walking
mechanically
Regurgetating
nonsense
Soiling
the planet.
Lonely
Night With You
Into
a summer mess
Out
like an egg raw
In
its own realm
Where
no beauty could touch it
Fiddling
with the pliars
I
know what you are up to
And
as the sun goes down
Feelings
press on the windows
And
escape through the cracks
The
melancholy of death
Marches
through every room
And
no one is lonely enough.
Brilliant
So
brilliant
And
no one to see me
No
one to tell that I'm brilliant
No
one I can tell how brilliant I am
So
I tell myself to myself that I am brilliant
So
brilliant
I
keep staring thinking
How
brilliant?
And
suddenly I'm puzzled
Brilliant
to who?
Brilliant?
Alone.
Alone. Alone.
And
I no longer feel brilliant
But
fading into a loneliness
And
suffering
Of
everyone.
Suspicious
Kind
Notes
of empty
Passages
and crimes
Sending
wierd messages
Between
the lines
Open
to freedom
Closed
to war
Broke
and eaten
Sleeps
on the floor
My
time is now
When
is it new
Make
me proud
With
everything you do
Send
some shivers
Down
my spine
Do
some art
Of
a suspicious kind.
Getting
Back
The
glorious or not so glorious
It
glimmers back and forth
Being
and not-being
Are
two agents in the puzzle
When
I say now
Pull
the trigger
And
shoot me full force into life
Into
doing, accomplishing, making friends
Find
a way to get back
A
revenge against the inanimate brick wall of death
And
the sour taste
Of
bad thoughts.
Awful
Racing
thoughts
I
wonder her fo-
I
don't want to talk about it
Just
let go
It
is what it is
I
don't need to be a Romeo
Just
pass back and forth
A
shadow moving in a room
An
asexual, nonreligious, a man-
Surrendering
Sleep
I
won't be bothered
But
I am
I
get up and scratch my head
It's
awful that I die and do not understand.
Forced
to Remember
What
might have been
Trips
me, overcomes me, silences me
I
have nothing but my memory
A
slick looking binder with pages missing
I
walk backwards through my life
Judging
myself, praising myself, hating myself
Supersaturated
with myself
I
look to you
That
you might have some repose
From
all this remembering
And
all you do is pull up the chain
Of
your own past
Opening
your mind like a giant suitcase
Revealing
everything inside
Judgements
in multicolor
Trauma
hangs loosely and falls to the floor
As
if I am to look at that especially
Instead
I look to the stars
And
wonder how far I can throw my mind
Into
the galaxies beyond
Before
I die of remembering
Selves
and self
Declining
health
And
one glance
At
the inevitable
The
ugly truth of death
And
all eternity dies
For
an alone
Too
alone to exist longer.
Reaching
for Something
Everything
minced
The
crowd grows softer
I
float through the people
Looking
for a washroom
I
find one and piss
Lost
in some pattern
I
desire nothing but a clearing
A
single serving of liquor
Fixated
on a stream of consciousness
An
uninterrupted flow
Of
thoughts wandering
A
tangent branching
Into
many interesting digressions
Back
to my hole
I
kick the blanket off my pacing strip
And
put on music
Mad
or displeased or confused
I
treat my loneliness with drugs
And
find a way to settle down
Back
into a black brain
Concerned
with nothing
And
left dancing
With
no thoughts
The
music still playing
As
I lay on the floor
And
begin snoring.
In
the Garden
Little
flowers of words
Swaying
in the breeze
Conscious
becomes unconscious
As
I stare into the blur of colors
I
am rounding out
Solidifying
Hearing
whats within
A
gentle music
The
last twitches of life
Beside
the first twitches of life
I
am signed out
Left
in the garden
From
between the leaves
I
stare out at the humans
Like
a gnome.
Unsupported
I
am unsupported
I
could fall at any time
All
my pain
Comes
out in every line
I
make the day lonely
And
the evening bright
Sweat
depressed all day
Then
later on write
I
am unsupported
I
have no fame
Not
even my closest friends
Can
pronounce my name
I
waver and display
Rot
and puke
Complain
and discuss
Criticize
and rebuke
And
nothing gets done
In
my emptying mind
Nothing
gets finished
It
forever unwinds.
The
Special Excitement Of Me Is Death
I
feel a little odd saying it
It
comes out quivering
Like
a chicklet out of an egg
And
I sense that you don't wanna hear it
I
sense that it doesn't need to be said
And
yet out it comes
I
erase and start over
I
settle for a little less than what I wanted to say
I
give in to my self-censoring
And
change
Nothing
comes out of it
There
is no ending
Tomorrow
everything will be the same
And
I may try again
The
special excitement of me is death
I
am glad I know that I die
I
am interested in the fact that I do die
I
crave my worldview to be widespread
But
it is rare
And
I am alone in what I believe to be true
Like
a schizophrenic